Fishin’ License
Howdy everbudy, iss here’z Rita River comin at ye frum down town Langstun, ret next ta the Ten-a-sea River. Bein the furst week uv April I spect I better send out a big ole HAPPY BURFDAY, Y’ALL! fer everbudy whut haz a burfday in April. Taint nutin lack getin tolt happy burfday a few duzin timez on yer special day. Speekin uv special dayz, I jest wanna remind everbudy bout that thare Nashunal Cornbred Festavel whut’z a gonna be hapnin the lass weekend uv iss munth. Now I kno whut yer a thankin, “That’z in Ten-a-sea”, but it ain’t lack it’z in Nashvul er Menfus er sumer’z lack at, it’z jest ret acrost the line in Souf Pitsburg. Thay’z lotz uv stuff ta see, lotz uv good musik, and more stuff ta eat than the law ortta allow. I’m tellin ye ret now thay’z sum laripin vittles thare. An ifn ye miss out on it, it’z ye own fault.
Now folkz, I’m shore everbudy haz had the priv-a-ledge uv sitin around a bunch uv fellerz whut’z tryin ta outdu the uther feller with his huntin er fishin tale an I’m shore yu’ve heerd sum fisherman tell a whopper uv a fish tale bout the big un whut got away. Well, Bubba an hiz budz wuz at the house tuther day sitin in the back yard, an yu guest it thay’z tellin talez, cussin, an guzzling (tea uv coarse, leestwize that’z whut thay sayd it wuz), an lyin. Now I kan say thay’z lyin cuz my husban wuz wun uv em, I spect sumbudy else better not try it tho. Enyhow, Bubba’z frend Rufus “Ruf” McGillacudy tolt iss here whopper uv a tale bout killin tu deerz. He sayd, “I’z sittin in the livin room tuther day an Florence Jean come in thare jest a razin cane bout sum deerz eatin up her flarz in the garden. Well, I tolt her ta grab the rifles and sum shelz. She went runnin inta the bedroom whare I keep em and come back wif em. I loaded wun whilst she loaded tuther an then I sayd, ‘Walk over thare an raiz the winder reel kwite lack.’ Well she did an then stepped back outta my view, so’s I wudn’t be distracted by them big ole targetz on her chest, then I didn’t even get up frum the couch I jest tuk aim an shot bof uv em gunz at the same time. Bof deerz fell ded ret whare thay’z a standin. So I tolt Florence Jean, ‘Problum solvd.’ She bout neer hugged the stuffin outta me then she went ret out thare, dressed em tu deerz, an cukt me a ven-a-sun stake fer supper.” Now I jest gotta say I kno Florence Jean Worshington McGillacudy, all 85 poundz uv her. Whilst I might baleve she’z fussin bout sum deerz eatin her flarz, cuz she reely lack’z her flarz, I kno the rest uv that thare storee kan’t be factz, cuz Ruf ain’t never ben able ta hit the broad side uv the barn wif hiz gud hand, much less tu fisted at the same time. An Florence Jean (flat chested az a mashed pancake) iz sa squemish she kan’t even fry up sum Sundee chicken, so I kno she didn’t field dress no deer an cut it up fer stake. But try ta tell Bubba Ray River that an he’ll argee til the sun comes up that Ruf wudn’t stretch a no tale nary a bit. “Thay wudn’t nun uv them fellers du that.” Yeah rite! I ain’t buyin no swamp land iss week ether.
Dear Rita,
My family really likes to go fishing, but my husband keeps forgetting to renew his fishing license. Last week the game warden caught us fishing and charged him a big fine. It looks like I’m going to have to renew it for him. Is Bubba good about keeping his fishing license renewed or do you have to do that for him?
I wish! Sweet cheeks, yu jest don’t kno how bad I wish Bubba wud member ta du that kinda stuff. Bubba jest don’t kare. He sayz, “God put them thare fish in the water an I ain’t never red enywhare in the Good Book bout Jesus hafin ta pay ta du no fishin. I figer ifn I wanna go fishin in a river, it orta be all rite wif everbudy cuz thay don’t nobody own it no how.” Honey Child, leeme jest tell ye iss here fish tale. The hole River family tuk a vay-kay-shun ta Dizney Werld, a fer yarz back an we stayed in iss here reel nice hotel whut wuz ret on the ocean bank. Bubba Ray an hiz cuzin Ray Bob Riber wanted ta go a fishin, but thay wudn’t about ta pay that thare re-dick-yu-lus fishin tur price. So they jumped inta the old jalopy an drove down ta Wally Werld (also knon az Walmart) an bot tu giant ice chests. Thay filt wun wif bait an tackle an tuther wun wif ice and sixpakz uv cokz an water. When they got back ta the hotel thay set up outside on the balcony an started cachin sum of them Florida bass whut uther folkz wuz paying $500-600 fer on that thare tur. Well, wund’t ye kno it, a few minetz later a cop shod up an tolt em it wuz not legal ta fish frum thare. But he’z lafin sa hard, frum sheer disbaleaf that sumbudy wud ackshully du it, he finlee sayd, “Jest make shore nobudy seez ye.’ An he let em keep ret on fishin. We had a rite nice fish fry on the beech that nite. The shore patrol came by jest az we’z puttin out the far an he njoyd sum uv them thare bass tu.
Well, I spect that’z a nuff uv that. I’ll see ye nex week. By now!
