Make No Misteak About It
You can blame it on AutoCorrect, SpellCheck, or just plain old lack of spelling skills, but social media continues to be a bottomless pit of unintentional laughs. Here is my latest batch of Facebook foul-ups, with my comments in parentheses:
“Asbestos I can figure, I can retire soon.” (Hopefully not from teaching).
“He left the seen of the accident.” (And I seen him do it!)
“Our son is about to graduate with honors. I love seeing him sore!” (Hopefully he will heal after getting his diploma).
“If I have to, I will take him to small clams court!” (Can you back up those clams?)
“I’m kinda sad, feeling a little melon collie today.” (I haven’t heard of that particular breed).
“On the news, they say the main roads are clear, but the secretary roads are still slick.” (Secretaries better stay home, then!)
“Congradulations to my daughter for winning the speling bee!” (Please tell me she’s not home-schooled).
“I always hated being in the spelling bee. I knew I would loose.” (I bet you were right).
“I’ve been wrecking my brain, but I can’t remember.” (You may want to take it to the body shop).
“When I was little, my mama would give me castro oil.” (Were you in Cuba?)
“We played good ‘til the end, but they won with a buzzard beater.” (And there were feathers all over the court).
“If he don’t stop drinking, he’ll end up with psoriasis of the liver.” (And maybe dandruff on the heart.)
“I love that girl, she is a real sweatie pie!” (Just don’t say that to her face).
“Make no misteak about it, I will fire anyone who can’t do the work.” (You may want to hire a proofreader).
“What a great day for King Charles. He’s finally has his turn on the thrown!” (Long may he rain).
“Hey, I’ve got some tickets I can’t use. If you want to go, just massage me.” (Well, okay, but can that wait until after the event?)
“I’ve got a wedding dress for sale. The veal is included.” (I’ll just have the vegetables).
“Did you hear about my husband? He’s been indicted into the Hall of Fame.” (That’s the happiest indictment, ever).
“How will I be able to make end’s meat? (I’d try a butcher).
“Has anyone heard about his funeral arraignments?” (I wish the law would finally leave Uncle Ned alone).
“Does anyone have the recipe for that chicken permission?” (Yes, but I don’t have the parmesan to tell you).
“Here are some pics of my cute little nephew. He’s tuna half years old.” (That’s great. When he turns three, let minnow).
“Be careful when you buy milk. Always check the inspiration date.” (I’ve been looking everywhere for some inspired milk).
“They had better hurry, I am running out of patients!” (If that happens, I guess your medical practice will close, right?)
“Yay me, I just got excepted to college!” (Good thing they don’t count off for spelling).
“Please don’t take a fence when I tell you this.” (Otherwise, my cows might get out).
“This teacher said he would fell me.” (Like a big oak tree).
“I say this with all do respect.” (Do tell?)
“If any of you parents need a night off, I do baby setting.” (Where do you set them?)
“My husband is very accident prong.” (Then whatever you do, don’t let him use a fork).
“This is such a heart worming story.” (Have you told it to your veterinarian?)
“I love homecoming week. The cheerleaders always throw a bomb fire.” (I’d watch that from a safe distance).
“I may start going back to church. I hear they have a new pasture.” (This time of year, they need some shade).
“He just got out of the hospital, with a case of ammonia.” (Good. We can use that to clean the house).
And finally: “Anybody want some apple butter? It’s all ho made.” (I’d better not comment on that one).
There may be more of these columns down the road. But as Yogi Berra said, I don’t make predictions. Especially if it’s about the future.
(David Carroll, a Chattanooga news anchor, is the author of the upcoming book ”David Carroll’s Ho Made Social Media Blunders.” You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405 or [email protected])
