How Much Father Is It?
I have just published a new humor book. It’s called, “I Won’t Be Your Escape Goat: David Carroll’s Ho Made Social Media Blunders.” Personally signed copies are available for $19.95 plus $5.00 shipping at ChattanoogaRadioTV.com, or at my mailing address at the end of this column. Here’s a sampling:
You can blame it on AutoCorrect, Spell Check, voice-activated text, or not paying attention in school, but social media continues to be a bottomless pit of unintentional laughs. Here is my latest batch of Facebook foul-ups, with my comments in parentheses.
“I may have to take this to the school bored.” (Well, can’t you act even a little bit interested?)
“He didn’t do nothin’ wrong. It was guilt by the sociation.” (Then by all means, lock up the sociation.)
“Anybody got some Rock-wiler pups for sale?” (Nope, but I can fix you up with a Jack Daniels Terrier.)
Store sign: “Boneless Bananas 49 cents” (Is that a firm price?)
“He better get his ducks in the road!” (Only if he puts a duck crossing sign up first.)
“They’re having a meeting on gum violence.” (Will the rival dentist gangs be represented?)
“The team was forty points down and tried to come back, but their efforts were to Noah Vail.” (Maybe they should have given the ball to someone else.)
“He is being sent out on a navel mission.” (I bet he will spend a lot of time on the beach.)
“How much father is it from here?” (Not sure. Let me ask father.)
“We have a hugh wine collection.” (Got any by Joe?)
“We have a wine seller downstairs.” (Is his name Hugh?)
“I don’t mine at all.” (Me neither. Mining looks like hard work.)
“After the divorce, she through out all his clothes.” (Maybe threw the window?)
“Now that his business has closed, Bob will have to find a new lively hood.” (If you have to find a hood, make it a lively one!)
“We used to live next to a chicken coupe.” (At least it wasn’t a sedan.)
“Congress would work better if they would reach across the isle.” (How wide is their boat?)
“I am excited about my upcoming marriage to Sarah. I am proud that she is my finance.” (So you’re marrying a banker?)
“You can count on the Marine Core.” (Sure, but don’t forget the Armey and the Navey.)
“I thought he might remember me from school, but he didn’t even eggnollege me.” (I mean after all, you used to help him with his spelling.)
“We enjoyed the meat loaf, but I had to pour on a lot of catch up.” (Still, it was a good way to ketchup with your friends, right?)
“Keep my name out of it. I want to remain totally unanimous.” (We took a vote, and it was one hundred percent anonymous.)
“Her first husband was from one of them northern states, I think it was Detroit.” (No wait, maybe it was Toronto.)
“People who don’t cast their ballet have no room to complain.” (But hopefully they have room to practice their jumps.)
“He is a sharp dresser, always looking very sheik.” (He must buy his clothes in Saudi Arabia.)
“I want to adopt that dog, but I want to make sure she’s spade.” (Hopefully she will show her cards.)
“I need some new tires. My friend says Michelob is a good brand.” (I’ll bet your friend isn’t talking about tires.)
“I’ll cross that bride when I come to it!” (Trust me, you don’t want to cross her.)
“He’s in charge, for all intensive purposes.” (Is that like intensive care?)
“He minus well face it, he lost the election.” (And now he’s in the minus column.)
“How many hangers do they have at that airport?” (I don’t know. How many shirts do you plan to bring?)
“When I walk through the woods I can see about 250 different spices of birds.” (Don’t tell that to Colonel Sanders. He only uses 11 herbs and species.)
“I’m glad Christmas is over. At my house, I do all the rapping.” (I’ll bet your voice could use a rest!)
Keep ‘em coming, folks. I hope my new book brings you joy!
(David Carroll is a Chattanooga news anchor, and his new book “I Won’t Be Your Escape Goat” is available on his website, ChattanoogaRadioTV.com. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405, or at [email protected])
