By Rita Fay River
Howdy ever budy, iss here’z Rita River comin at ye frum down town Langstun, ret next ta the Ten-a-sea River. Well I spect yu shorely musta ben a missin me ese las tu weaks whilst I’ve ben on vakayshun. I’m tellin ye ret now it’z ben a hum dinger. Wun weak we’z at a cabin in the woods and we had a party ever nite. Well, maybe yu wudn’t call it a party, but I shore did. Bubba dun the cookin on the grill an we used them thare thro away plates and cups so’s I didn’t even hafta worsh no dishes. In my book at’z a party. We kep the Dr. Pepper flowin lack water. Why yu shuda seed Ole Bubba dancin round on the back porch with that thare six-pack belt filt with ice cold Dr. Peppers, hiz cut off blu jeenz with the strangs danglin round the bottom, and that kamaflage tank top uv hisn. I’m tellin ye ret now it’z bout more than I cud stand. I neer bout hadta come up outta that thare hot tub and dance a jig with him. Coarse, I mite a hadta put my bathin suit back on ta keep frum gettin a cuple uv black eyez.
I’m tellin ye ret now, that Bubba’z a genyus. Yu shuda seed the contrapshun he rigged up fer a rotisery ta cook them thare quail he kilt an put on the grill. I’ll jest say I never seed a power drill put ta sech gud use.
Bubba an the uther fellerz on the trip wif us sided that thay’z up fer sum adventure so we all went down ta the pig pen whut wuz bout a haf a mile futher down the trail an thay tried thair hand at bareback hog ridin. Now I’m tellin ye ret now I ain’t never laffed sa much in all my born dayz. Bout the 10th time that thare big ole bore hog dumpt Bubba in the mud, he sided it wudn’t no fun no more, but he wudn’t bout ta let the boyz out do him so he clem ret back on that devil and went a few more rounds. After thay finely sided thay’d had a nuff me an the gals (the wife’z uv the fellers whut wuz wif uf) marched then stinkin fellers down ta the river an jest pushed em in, close an all. The river bed musta ben bout a foot deeper after that. Thay’z muddy water flowin frum round them fellers fer bout twiny minets. I wudn’t bout ta have my vakayshun fowled up hafin ta worsh pig mud outta them close er frum outta all Bubba’z nooks and crannies neither. Wun time uv that wuz a nuff fer this ole gal. I’d brung a fu barz uv granny’z lie soap with us cuz I’z spectin bout whut thay got. Ye see, we’ve stayed here afore an them boyz haz rid them thare hogz afore tu. So I came prepaird. Thang bout that wuz, that wun day wudn’t a nuff ta teech them boyz thair leson. Thay ain’t nary a wun uv em never been acused uv bein tu swoft. Enyhow, by the end uv the week, them thare hogz wud take off a runnin an a squillin by the time we got in ear shot uv em. But thay wudn’t fass a nuff ta get away fer long. When Bubba and the boyz get sumpthin in thay head, thay ain’t much gonna stop em, speshlly az thay sayd, a mess uv ham and bakon on the hoof.
Well, that thare cabin we’z stayin in balongz ta air frend Rufus Spudruker an all he axed uv us wuz ta mow an rake the yard afore we left so’s it wudn’t get growd up tu much afore the nex folkz come fer a vakayshun. So whilst me an the girlz wuz worshin up air close on that lass evenin, Bubba and the boyz sided thay’d mow and rake the yard. Well it ain’t a big yard so we’z spectin them ta get dun long afore we did, but we’z dun with the worshin and the hangin out ta dry an got the fishin polz all geered up redy fer them fellerz ta go down ta the fiver and katch air supper. Well, ever few minets we’d here the mower shut off an wun uv em wud come in the house an ax fer a nuther garbage bag. Finely I jest sent the rest uv the box with em so’s thay wudn’t hafta keep trackin grass in the cabin an I wudn’t hafta keep sweepin it up. Well that put me ta wunderin jest whut them fellerz wuz up tu. So cents we cud heer em in the frunt yard, me and the galz sided we’z a gonna slip out the back door and sneek round ta the frunt an see jest whut thay’z a doin with all them thare garbage bagz. Fer heven sake thay cud a rakt the hole woods an not needed that meny bagz. Well, it didn’t take tu long ta figer out whut the problem wuz. Them genyuses sided thay’z a gonna du the mowin an the rakin at the same time. So thay got sum duck tape outta the truck and tapt a garbage bag ta the push mower whare the grass an stuff comes shootin out. Well that wud werk purdy gud til the mower wud pick up a ded stick and send it thru that thare garbage bag lak a sharp nife thru hot butter. That’z when the cussin wud start. Thay’d stop the mower, remove that thare shredded bag, tape a nuther wun on and start agen. I’ll jest say thay used tu boxes uv garbage bagz an three rolls uv duck tape afore thay finely finished. Thay cud a ben dun two airs erlier ifn thay’d a jest mowed an rakt lack a normal person. When me and the galz finely got done laffin at em so’s we cud stand up an walk, we tuk them fishin polz an caut sum uv the purdiest rainbow trout yu ever seed. We’z jest takin it offn the grill when the boyz can in an announced thay’z dun with the yard. Thay’z shore proud ta see them trout an taters laid out on the plate.
Well, I spect that’z a nuff uv that. I’ll see ye nex week. By now!
