Actual Mail From Actual Readers
A couple of times each year, I clear out the ol’ inbox (and the old-timey mailbox) and answer a few reader questions. This is also known as “A Lazy Way to Write a Column on a Beautiful Spring Day.” Let us begin.
“Dear David: I read your complaints about customer service. It could be worse. Pretty soon, we will need a password and two-part authentication to flush the toilet. I hope we don’t have to spend too much time on hold to get that resolved.” Jack in Colorado.
Dear Jack: I already have to use a fingerprint or a facial ID to operate some things. I don’t even want to think about the next wave of bathroom security. But that’s just my opinion. And you know what they say about opinions. Everybody has one, sort of like…well, let’s move on.
“Dear David: I can’t wait to get your take on how the Republicans in the Tennessee House of Representatives handled the expulsions of the two young Democratic legislators who are now right back in the Capitol. The only difference is, they are now nationally famous, while the Republican speaker and his cronies are the subjects of widespread ridicule.” Eugene in Maryville, TN.
Dear Eugene: Remember that Beatles song, “Hey Jude?” Paul McCartney sang, “Don’t make it bad. Take a sad song, and make it better.” That’s how I try to approach life. What can I do to make a bad situation better? In the case of the Democratic representatives who were accused of breaking decorum, censures would have been appropriate, effective, and efficient. Plus, the story would have vanished from the national news cycle within 24 hours. But the Republican leaders chose expulsions instead. With a lack of independent thinkers under their supervision, the vote was unanimous, and the outcome was predictable. Evidently, they didn’t learn anything from the Beatles. They took a bad situation and found a way to make it even worse.
And speaking of independent thinkers, should we even continue paying high salaries to rubber-stamp elected officials in our state legislature and the US House and Senate? Why not save a few tax dollars and just have robots vote “red” or “blue” on every issue? Would anyone notice the difference? Now, back to the mailbox:
Dear David: You often mention “The Andy Griffith Show” in your columns. Do you have a favorite episode? Allen in Marietta, GA.
Dear Allen: I have three answers for you. #1: Any episode with Ernest T. Bass. #2: Any episode with Floyd the Barber. #3: Any episode in black-and-white. Andy seemed grumpy in the color episodes. Or maybe he just missed Barney. I know I did.
Dear David: Having grown up about an hour from Chattanooga, I was thrilled to receive your “Hello Chattanooga” book as a gift last Father’s Day. What a great trip down memory lane. I went to a lot of those rock and country concerts and even the wrestling matches. I enjoyed your stories too. You had a blurb at the end of a recent column about your next book. Is it out yet? Scott in Chatsworth, GA.
Dear Scott: I’m glad you enjoyed “Hello Chattanooga!” Just the other day, I asked a friend, “Did you read my last book?” and he replied, “I sure hope so.” But seriously, my next one will be out later this year. It’s called “I Won’t Be Your Escape Goat: David Carroll’s Ho Made Social Media Blunders.” Hopefully, it will be funny. We can all use some laughs.
Dear David: I just saw a news story on TV with artificial intelligence apps like ChatGPT; writers like you can cheat, and you no longer have to create your own content. You just click on the app, and it writes a column for you. How can I be sure that you’re actually writing your column? Christina in Scottsboro, AL.
Dear Christina: If my column includes at least one misspelled word, several unnecessary commas, a run-on sentence, and poor subject-verb agreement, it is my original work. If it looks polished and professional, it is likely enhanced by artificial intelligence or maybe even artificial sweeteners. Keep those cards and letters coming in!
(David Carroll is a Chattanooga news anchor, and his new book “Hello Chattanooga” is available on his website, ChattanoogaRadioTV.com. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405, or at [email protected])
