Neal Wooten
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I’m not very worldly. I haven’t ever been overseas. People, cultures, and customs in other parts of the planet seem very strange to me. Then again, I’m pretty sure life on Sand Mountain is equally confusing to other folks.
I can’t eat with chopsticks. I’ve tried, and it’s always a disaster with my sweet-and-sour pork ending up all over the table and floor. But I can take the lid off a bottled Coke, make a funnel with one hand, pour a bag of peanuts into it, and never drop a single nut – all while driving.
I can’t charm a cobra. And to be honest, I don’t really want to try. But I can hypnotize a chicken. Just catch the chicken, which is the hard part, hold her head down so she can see the ground in front of her, make some scratches in the dirt, and then back away. The chicken won’t move. It will stay there perfectly still, thinking a worm is coming out of the ground.
I’ve never been skydiving. I thought about trying it, but something seems very unnatural about jumping out of a perfectly good plane. But I can climb a tall, skinny hickory tree, get to the top, and make it bend over until it slowly sets me down to the ground. At least I could when I was a kid.
I can’t surf. I tried it once in Fort Lauderdale. The waves always pushed me to the beach floor, and then the board would drag me across the sandy bottom. I’d come up gasping for air with my face bleeding. But I can waterski barefoot. Of course, it helps that I have huge Fred Flintstone flat feet. I’m pretty sure I don’t need brakes on my car, just a hole in the floorboard.
I don’t know how to build an igloo, but I built a two-story house right outside Montgomery. I hired a fellow to help with the lifting but did everything myself, from framing, roofing, sheetrock, electrical work, and plumbing. I did keep plenty of drinks in my Igloo cooler, if that counts.
I don’t know how to build lobster traps, but I’ve caught more crawfish than you can shake a stick at. Unless I’m on a ship that sinks, I’m never diving with sharks. But I’ve swam in the Tennessee River, Weiss Lake, plenty of reclaimed coal mines, and plenty of creeks: no sharks, but snakes and snapping turtles.
I guess I’ll never go on an African safari or ride on a gondola in Venice, but I’m okay with that. Just give me a twenty-ounce Coke, a bag of peanuts, and a lake to kayak on, and I’ll be satisfied.
